So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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