Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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