i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
