his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
