I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
