and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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