those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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