I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
