What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
