All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
