I hate your face
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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