in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
