if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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