so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I AM VODKA MAN
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize