Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
