I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
