I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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