How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
