I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
