Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
