Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
