You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
