pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
