if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
