at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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