I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Randomize
