worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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