so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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