That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
