just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
