Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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