Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
