i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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