i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
