Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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