the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
