went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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