The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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