Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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