420 ftw
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
