You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
