I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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