When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
