thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
they need to just BURY HIM!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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