Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
