I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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