Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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