Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
