walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
