Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
