when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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