ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
