Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
