If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
