Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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