you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
