Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
