She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
