getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
