ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
