Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
