I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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